Fox Has Fleas
by Snow Puff
Summary: Fox is having a bad day. He has fleas, Link is mysteriously pissed at him, everyone's giving him funny looks, Snake is stalking him for some reason, and Wolf is definitely up to something. Luckily for him, Samus and Falco are there to help him out.
1. Chapter I

Gah! I need to stop abandoning fics to write new ones! Oh well. This is kinda a different thing for me because I usually don't write for SSB. Actually, change "usually don't" to "never" cuz that's way more accurate. But, Brawl inspired me in the worst way. I just had to write this. Uh, yeah, do me a favor and don't flame me because I'm insane and uh, you don't wanna get on my bad side, m'kay? Anyway, I don't own SSB, etc., etc. Let's move on.

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_**Fox Has Fleas**_

_Chapter I: __Soukan (First Issue)_

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"That fucking… **mutt** gave me fleas!" Fox growled as one of his bootless hind legs scratched the back of his ear with obviously canine skill.

Link didn't quite know what "mutt" exactly meant, but he assumed it was similar to what he was considered to the Kokiri children he grew up with: Fairy-less, that is to say, an outsider. The taunts of one of his old friends (perhaps that wasn't quite the right word but Link had always secretly hoped that Mido had, in fact, considered Link his friend) rang in his ears. _Come back when you get yourself a fairy! You're only half a person until you get a fairy!_ Of course, Link found out later that he wasn't a Kokiri thus he never would have gotten a fairy if his old father-figure the Great Deku Tree hadn't assigned Navi to him.

Fox stared at Link as the later gazed off, lost in thought as he mixed some kinda redish liquid together. "You know, I don't exactly know what it is you're tryin' to make over there but uh… It's probably done."

Link glanced down at the healing potion he was making his friend and, indeed, it was done. "Here drink this; it'll heal the open wounds," Link said, handing Fox the bottle.

Fox looked at it incredulity. "Uh… As, uh, appetizing as this looks, I don't think I've scratched myself quite enough for me to bleed just yet." Link, who as usual didn't say a word, merely pointed at the ear Fox was previously scratching. A sliver of crimson slid down his fur. He touched the spot and felt the blood. "Touché."

The potion tasted like shit and it made Fox gag, but he figured he'd trust Link on this one.

Link was already busily mixing another potion by the time Fox was done with the red one. "Oh **hell** no!"

"You're not going to need to drink this one, don't worry." Link paused for a second, clearly thinking about something. "Why is it that you don't like Wolf? Aside from the current… infestation."

The Lylatian glared at the Hylian. Link smiled in amusement and Fox gave up and rolled his eyes. "We were on opposing sides of an interplanetary war. Old wounds take a while to heal."

"Ah." In truth, Link looked more confused than he did a second ago, but he didn't ask any more questions, so Fox figured he wasn't expected to answer any more questions.

Link bottled the second liquid and walked over to where Fox was sitting. "Take off your clothes." Fox looked confused and frankly a little freaked out but he knew that when Link used that tone of voice, it was best not to argue. Fox took off his jacket, suddenly feeling much more exposed than he would have liked. "Jumpsuit too." Fox whimpered slightly, but heeded to Link's demand, displaying the myriad of flea bites across his chest. "Now, lay down and try not to move until the potion has a chance to soak into your skin."

"Wait, what is it going to do, Link?" Fox couldn't quite figure out why but he seriously hated lying on the floor without weapons, without much clothing (Fox was keeping his boxers on and he would sure as hell not compromise on that point) in this pseudo-apothecary while Link was towering over him, holding a bottle of strange liquid.

"It's going to make you stop itching. Just relax." Was his panic that obvious? Without his shirt, the rapid rise and fall of his chest was probably much more noticeable. Link dripped some of the shimmering-white liquid onto his hands and bent over Fox, who whimpered again.

Link put his hand down on Fox's chest and rubbed the potion in slightly. Fox's leg twitched, his jaws parted, and a happy tongue poked out as he started panting. Link tried to contain a giggle as Fox moaned and stumbled through an unneeded apology. "I'm sorry man, it's really not you its just uh, well, you know, mmm, that feels amazing." Link always thought it was quite amusing that underneath all the gadgets, clothes, and guns, Fox was still a dog at heart. Fox's leg sped up and thunked on the ground in a steady rhythm. His ear twitched and his back arched.

"As much as I would love to keep doing this," Link said as he wiped the last of the anti-itching potion behind Fox's ears, "I'm completely out, and I'm sure you're exhausted." Link smirked down at his friend.

"Hand me my pants, wouldja?"

Little did the two of them know, a pair of turquoise eyes widened from a crack in the door.

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(Ducks hoard of tomatoes)

I'm sorry, I just had to write this! You have y'all's right to opinion and I have mine. But I feel it's important to point out that Fox has been my main character in every SSB game and I've played every Star Fox game since SF64; I know Fox pretty well so I don't exactly find it all that far-fetched that Fox would behave much like a dog if he was getting his stomach scratched. If anyone wants to bitch, I'll go toe-to-toe, I don't care that much.

Next time:

"Zelda, sweetie, I'm sure it's not what it looked like." . . . "Fox is far to chickenshit to admit that he's a fruit to himself, let alone to other people." . . . Samus was going to get to the bottom of this, even if it was the last thing she ever did.

Exciting! Isn't it?

I will see you next time, folks, but until then…

Peace out!


	2. Chapter II

It's time for ch-ch-ch-chapter two, boys and girls. Or as I like to call it, The One Where Zelda Flips a Shit and Wolf Starts a Rumor.

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_**Fox Has Fleas**_

_Chapter II: __Fushinba (The Plot Thickens)_

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Those same turquoise eyes were now filled with tears in another part of the house. "I just… I can't believe what I just saw…"

Samus rolled her eyes and ran a hand through her blond hair. "Zelda, sweetie, I'm sure it's not what it looked like. I've known Fox for ages and, even though he might not seem like it all the time, he's straight as an arrow. And Link – He loves you very, very much."

"Well, he must only love me because I can turn into Sheik!" Zelda heaved between sobs.

"Honey, ju-just hold on for one second, ok?" Samus rushed out of the room, leaving the distressed princess to herself. "That girl is going to give me an ulcer one day I swear."

"What's wrong this time?" Peach asked.

"Apparently, she saw Link fucking Fox. Now, I don't believe that for one second but… She sure as hell does."

"Oh really?" A gray ear twitched in anticipation to hear more. The owner of said ear gave a nod at his companions in the hallway. "Ladies." In return, the wolf received glares. "Tough crowd."

"I do not believe," Samus said, barely containing her anger, "I was talking to you."

"But you forget, Fox and I go waaay back. You could almost call us… Friends." Samus raised an eyebrow and folded her arms. "Well, maybe not 'friends' but… Acquaintances. The point is, out of the lot of us, I'm the one with the most inside knowledge. Especially considering Mario forced me to room with him until an extra room gets built."

"What's your point?" Wolf smirked at the blond. "Wait. Are you trying to say that Fox, like, hit on you or something last night?"

Wolf howled with laughter. "Hardly, my dear Samus. Fox is far to chickenshit to admit that he's a fruit to himself, let alone to other people." The teal boot of the Zero Suit tapped on the floor. Samus was in no mood for any sort of guessing game. "Heh. Lemme put it this way; you don't get fleas from someone who's sleeping on your floor. No, you need to, uh, make closer contact in order to get bitten."

"Fleas!" Samus threw her hands up and scoffed. "That is the most ridiculous logic I have ever heard of! How do you even know he got those fleas from you, eh?"

Wolf picked something off of his arm between his claws and shoved the hand in Samus's face. "Now, tell me. What am I holding?"

"A-a flea."

"Exactly." Wolf crushed the creature between his claws and dropped it on the floor. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some work to do." The wolf stalked off without a glance behind him to see the damage he had done.

"Samus! I think he's right!" Nana said with a gasp.

"How else would Fox have gotten fleas?" Peach said chiming in.

"Oh for the love of- Fox is a… **Fox**! Any animal that has fur has fleas this time of year! That doesn't prove anything!"

"I don't think Fox has gotten fleas any year before now…" Peach said, more to herself than to Samus.

"W-well, even if Fox **did** get fleas from Wolf, it doesn't automatically mean that they had sex!"

"Wolf never said he and Fox had sex. He just said they were lying close to each other," Nana observed.

"I seriously doubt that Fox would spend the night spooning with someone who wanted to kill him not very long ago!" Samus shouted. "Ugh! You people are so… Gullible!" The woman in the Zero Suit stormed away, muttering to herself. Samus was going to get to the bottom of this, even if it was the last thing she ever did.

"Samus, wait!" Peach shouted down the hallway. "What're we supposed to do about Zelda?"

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Aaaaand cut!

Well, that was fun, ne? I feel so, so bad for Link, he's gonna get his ass kicked, for sure.

Next time:

"You want me to ask him **what**?" . . . "There's money in it for you" . . . "He mighta liked sleeping next to you a little too much."

Oh, I do love how I can keep people in suspense with these previews. God, I hope they're working.

Until next time…

Peace and out! 


	3. Chapter III

Sorry about the long wait everyone – I was totally killed at school

Sorry about the long wait everyone – I was totally killed at school. Meh. Today though, I'm sick so I had a chance to update. Twice even!

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_**Fox Has Fleas**_

_Chapter III: Irai (Request)_

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"You want me to ask him **what**?" His blue feathers were clearly ruffled by the question. "Samus, I have **dignity**." Samus stared straight at Falco. "Well. You know, I have **some** dignity. Enough not to go up to my goddamned captain 'Eh, Fox, a few people're wonderin'… You gay 'er somethin'?"

"I never said you had to be so blunt about it."

"Samus, every mercenary has a few things they will not do. I will not try to kill anyone I have ever worked with, I will not be nice to anyone, and I will not ask anyone I know about their sexual preferences unless I actually care."

"There's money in it for you, if you're interested."

Falco stared at the ground, debating what to do. "What if I ask someone to do some investigative work for you? Do I still get paid?"

Samus sighed. "That wouldn't count, you idiot."

"What if I helped you in the investigative part of it?" Samus scoffed. "It's not exactly because of the money. I just don't wanna have to ask him."

"And why the bloody hell not?"

"…After Krystal joined the team, Fox and I were roommates, so…"

"Oh, I see what the problem is. You just can't stand the fact that he mighta liked sleeping next to you a little too much."

"Yeah. That."

Samus sighed. "Alright, fine then. C'mon you big buzzard, let's find someone who **is** willing to ask Fox what's up."

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I know, I know. Short chapter but I updated twice so it's ok. I just really want to make each chapter one scene, you see and when it's a short scene… Short chapter.


	4. Chapter IV

Ta-da!

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_**Fox Has Fleas**_

_Chapter IV: __Yuuyou Hebi (The Helpful Snake)_

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A few days later, Fox couldn't shake the feeling that people were staring at him kinda… strangely. He had no idea why and maybe there was a part of him that didn't even want to know. The worst part of it was that Link had completely stopped talking to him. Well, listening to him might be a better way to put it.

As far as friendship among the Smashers went, he and Link probably had the closest thing to a genuine relationship. All the others would tolerate each other like they would tolerate Mondays, jackhammers, and idiots. It's not like Fox needed Link as a friend, but it was sure as hell nice to be able to chill with someone other than Falco or Wolf.

Over the past couple of days, Fox's patience was definitely wearing thin and he was about three strange looks away from snapping.

Meanwhile, Samus and Falco were continuing their search for someone who was willing to find out what had happened. Half of the people had been swayed by the now-circulated rumor and wouldn't offer their help because they already "knew" the answer. The other half didn't know and didn't want to find out.

"Remind me why we're doing this again, Samus?"

"The only one in this damn house who's going to be willing to help us is Snake. He's a genius at recon, plus he never leaves his room so I doubt he'd know what's going on so he won't have a bias."

The pair walked down the hallway to a room that looked like it was under lockdown. "And then," Falco said, pausing his walk for a second, "what're we doing when we find out the truth?"

"We'll make an appeal to Mario. Either way, the others are harassing Fox and he's gonna have to do something."

Samus was about to knock on Solid Snake's door when his voice came out of a small speaker above a retina scanner. "State your name and business."

"Uh…"

"Hurry it the fuck up, I don't have all day."

"Samus Aran and Falco Lombardi. We're here asking you for your… services." They heard locks click and Samus pushed the door into Snake's room.

Snake was fixing some kind of explosive on his bed as the two entered. He didn't look up for what felt like several minutes and Samus couldn't quite be sure that he even knew the two of them were there. "What do you need me for?"

"Um, you see, there's this weird rumor going around and um…"

"Samus, lemme handle this one," Falco said suddenly. "Snake, we need you to find out if Fox is gay. You must tell no one what you're doing and don't trust anyone with any relevant information aside from Samus and me. We have a thousand dollars in cash that we'll give to you once your mission is complete."

"Normally, I wouldn't ask, but why exactly do you need me to do this?"

Samus cleared her throat. "Uh. Zelda thinks she saw Link and Fox… Doin' it. And she kicked Link outta her room and Link hasn't talked to Fox since and Wolf is telling everybody that Fox **is** gay and Gannondorf's helping now and I don't believe him and Falco needs to know for his own sake and then we're going to make an appeal to Mario to get everyone to stop so Fox can slip back into obscurity and Link can move back in with Zelda and Zelda'll stop crying on my shoulder because she thinks that Link only loves her because she can turn into Sheik so she looks good to the outside world but he still gets to have his weird little gayness an-"

"Whoa! Whoa. Whoa, that wasn't my question." Samus looked at Falco confused. He apparently knew how mercenaries function. Falco was just as confused as she was. "I didn't ask you what the point of me doing this was; I asked why **you**," Snake said pointing at the pair of offenders, "needed me to do this."

"Oh. Well, uh…" Samus said with a shrug.

"From what I gather," Snake said, "Falco needs me to do this so he can make sure that this CO's not a queer and you need me to do this so Zelda will stop bitching at you. That in the ballpark?"

Falco and Samus looked at each other. "Well…"

"I would have phrased it less selfishly, to be honest," Falco said.

"Whatever," Snake said finishing the C4. "I'll do it. And you two are lucky I'm not expecting the money upfront."

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God I love Snake. I've never played a single Metal Gear Solid game but the way his personality is in my head… I love him.


End file.
